Thursday, November 20, 2014
#Spanking Round Table: Where Does Your Spanking Fancy Come From?
Welcome to the newest Spanking Round Table Discussion hosted this week by Spanking Romance Reviews and Joelle Casteel.
Here are the questions that Joelle presented to us.
.* How do you understand the difference between an ownership- or a humiliation-focus in writing and/or in real life?
* If you live some level of DD, BDSM, include spanking in your relationship- do your practices focus more on ownership or humiliation?
* When you’re reading spanking fiction, do you have a preference for either of these focuses? Or does it even matter to you?
* And of course, feel free to add your own comments and questions- after all, I come to this conversation as a reader of DD/spanking fiction, but an author of BDSM fiction.
I will try to answer them and add my own thoughts into the mix. I want to start off by saying I don't think there are right or wrong answers to any of these. I think it is a matter of perspective, personal experience, and most importantly semantics. I believe the terms used today are misunderstood in the context that they are used. While I do not consider myself owned I do want to be loved, cared for, and dominated. I desire a partner that has more say so than I do, but who does it with our mutual best interests in mind. Though for me personally the term owned has negative connotations to the point of possibly being a trigger (unless used exclusively sexually) I understand that being owned to one person is the same as being under the care of a loving HOH or Dominant to another. Maybe the word means the exact same thing or is similar enough to be comparable with subtle differences.
Humiliation on the surface does not seem to be comparable to being owned. It's not an either/or situation. However, in the context of someone defining being owned as feeling loved and cared for I can see it's opposite affect. Humiliation is one of those words that are used in the spanking community that have multiple definitions. Humiliation is defined on Wikipedia as:
an abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. It is an emotion felt by a person whose social status has just decreased. It can be brought about through intimidation, physical or mental mistreatment or trickery, or by embarrassment if a person is revealed to have committed a socially or legally unacceptable act. Whereas humility can be sought alone as a means to de-emphasize the ego, humiliation must involve other person(s), though not necessarily directly or willingly. Acting to humiliate oneself may be linked to a personal belief (as with mortification of the flesh, with some religions), or it can be part of erotic humiliation where the belittling activity provides emotional and/or sexual arousal or heightened sensation.
While I can see where Joelle is coming from in seeing humiliation as an unloving act in reading certain aspects of the above definition. I think the fine line is where the individual person defines it and the affect it has on the person who feels humiliated. I would feel humiliated in a negative way if my husband dressed me down (called me out/lectured) in public. It would erode my trust. While the humiliation that many of us spoke about during the last round table discussion was the kind of humiliation that comes with being humbled or submitting. Certain acts of being taken in hand, disciplined, or even certain sexual acts may create a feeling of embarrassment or exposure and a deep desire to submit, but it is not the harmful type of humiliation. As long as our boundaries are being respected it is a loving gesture.
Last discussion's topic for me falls into the deliciously humiliating realm. I may not be able to get beyond my inhibitions to try this type of play without my husband's dominant act. I personally like to be actively taken in hand. I like the dominance and the feeling of not being in control. So we add these things into the punishment category. It works because it creates a deep feeling of submission. I am not naturally submissive and I like to be made to submit. That is part of my kink. It has to be done in a firm but loving way or I would not feel safe.
In spanking stories I like for the dominant/hoh to be firm and loving. In these stories I prefer one partner being in charge with the other partner submissive but cared for, valued, and listened to. Domestic Discipline is fraction or discipline focused and that is what I enjoy reading the most (although I do like a lot of variety.) I enjoy reading about the discipline in detail, especially spanking scenes. Mild non-con is hot to me in fiction. (The real life solution to this is consensual non-consent. Aka: a blanket permission. True real life non-con would have me calling the police!) In these stories the heroine tends to eventually if not at the time feel safe and cared for and even turned on by this. If there was ever true humiliation I would not enjoy the story, but the kind of humiliation that leads to being humbled and learning is hot to me.
In summary I think that many differences in the community boil down a couple things. One big one is semantics. Our differing definitions and connotations of certain words. That is hugely prevalent even with those that come from similar backgrounds. Another is whether the relationship is Discipline/submission focused or Submission/sexual bdsm focused. Don't get me wrong, for many couples who practice the former it is sexual as well, but in a much more subtle way and that is a whole other topic. I think in the end when the differences come to the forefront of the conversation we have to take a step back and decide okay this might be negative for me, but is positive for them and that is okay. Live and let live and try to find your common points. We are all valid and we should stand proud in what we like and who we are. There is nothing wrong with that.